Silent is the Raven
by Somewei
Summary: The dam she had so carefully constructed, guarded, and defended had cracked. And a crack was all it took for it to come tumbling down. Control. Focus. Breathe. Oh Azar...how foolish could she have been? She had done the thing she fought so hard against. She needed to regain control. It was the only way. Any other option was inadmissible.


**So, this is a revamp of my fanfic, _Staying Silent_. I cringe every time I read the old one. The beginning is generally the same, with some edits, while the ending is vastly different. Set after _The End_. Enjoy.**

* * *

 **Staying Silent**

 _Somewei_

Christmas had passed, but the snow still lingered.

Soft flakes floated gently down to the ground, each flake a different shape. Below, chunks of ice floated in the cold water and the snow had only slightly loosened up around the Titans' Tower. Sitting at one of the many giant windows, a lone bird watched the flakes gently cascade down. In one hand was a book on mythology while in the other was a mug of tea. She preferred it better than hot chocolate. Hot chocolate made people high-strung and that was the last thing she needed. Her emotions (and her equilibrium, for that matter) could not take it even though Trigon was no longer an issue.

Idly, she thought about how the Titans had noticed Raven had been acting differently for the past month. She was unusually withdrawn and reserved, mediating more often and alone. She wouldn't even allow Starfire to accompany her. For this very reason, it was Starfire who noticed her teammate's behavior and pointed it out to her fellow Titans. At first, the others didn't agree with the distress Tamaranian until their lives were personally touched by Raven's sullenness.

Upon making a stupid joke, Beast Boy was confused when Raven didn't issue a sarcastic reply. He was _shocked_ , then, when she missed the opportunity to call him on his stupidity. To make matters worse, she didn't say anything when he pulled a small prank on her or dramatically teased her for being "creepy." Cyborg, always the changeling's partner-in-crime, tried to lighten up the normally cynical and dark teen, but his attempts were as successful as his best friend's. Not even a single glare was cast in his or Beast Boy's direction when they argued over meat or tofu.

It was odd and it rankled their nerves.

Eventually Robin persuaded Beast Boy and Cyborg to leave Raven alone and said she'd come around when she got through whatever it was she was going through. Reluctant, the two stopped and went back to their usual routine of video games, fighting, and pranks—without Raven's commentary.

Starfire, however, ignored Robin's orders. She tried taking Raven out to the "shopping of the mall," but it ended in a disaster with a cash register blown up and several dresses lost into the oblivion. On top of that, they ended up having to save the day from some disguised criminals who had planned to rob the store. The fight only resulted in more lost dresses and a destroyed mannequin. In the end, the girls spent more money on damages than actual shopping. When they returned home, an angry Raven locked herself up in her room and meditated the day away, refusing to answer the calls from her friends.

Let be known, though, that Starfire was tenacious. The alien princess tried once more to get her friend to socialize with the world by taking her to the Titans East Tower. The bubbly girl hoped that some girl time with her and Bumble Bee would ease the tension. Once more, it ended in disaster and Raven refused to go anywhere with Starfire again under threat of destroying the whole tower first. Starfire relented after that scenario.

Raven took in a sharp breath as she continued to watch the snow, forgetting completely about the book resting in her lap. This was the first time she had been out of her room and remained out for more than five minutes. The other Titans were out for pizza, giving her the peace she craved. Fearing what might happen while in their presence, she opted to remain behind, much to the expectations of the group. Too much time with them was dangerous. Time with them meant speaking, and speaking was dangerous. Silence was safe, that much she knew. It was deafening, true, but safe. Only there could she find a sanctuary against her thoughts. Thinking was too dangerous—especially when it was about _him_.

A flicker of a cringe flashed across her face, suddenly hating that she sounded like the teenager she was. _Goodbye maturity. Hello angst_.

Last month had been a game changer. While at Christmas party, Starfire had been tricked by Beast Boy into drinking one too many glasses of wine. Overly pleasant and highly talkative, the Tamaranian began spewing secrets left and right—including a tidbit of information Raven hadn't been privy to for quite awhile. It took all of her self-control to stay at the party and not blow something up when Starfire gleefully recounted how Robin had been persistent in saving her, adamantly rejecting the idea she was dead even when the others thought so.

Star hadn't meant to make her reclusive, but the sheer amount of emotions Raven was feeling—emotions she had buried deeply a long time ago and _where they should stay_ —had been too much. Ever since then she could not be in the same room as him. Every day she had somersaulted through a roller coaster of emotions, feeling exuberantly high one moment and crashing the next when she allowed reality to hit her. No, this wasn't going to happen. She was independent and freed and _she didn't need this right now_.

Besides, she thought, she had Starfire's feelings to consider. It was obvious to even a blind man that her best friend had feelings for their masked leader. Raven was not going to hurt her friend, not after she finally allowed herself to have friends to begin with.

And she couldn't have her own heart ripped out.

She rolled her eyes heavenward. _There were those dramatics again._

The empath knew that Robin also cared greatly for Starfire. He had tried so hard to stop Starfire from marrying and went crazy when she had been kidnapped for being mistaken as Blackfire. No doubt those two would end up getting together soon. Truthfully, she was surprised that they hadn't already, but Raven figured it was because Robin was concerned about the villains and, more importantly, Slade. He was Batman's apprentice and if the Dark Knight didn't do attachments, Boy Wonder probably wouldn't either.

Raven snapped her book shut and placed it to the side. Allowing herself a moment of girlish whimsy, she wrapped her cloak around her legs and rested her head on her knees. Her teammates weren't back yet, so she could dally around the Tower. As soon as they returned, she'd have to go back. As much as the others thought she preferred the darkness of her room, she really did love being around her friends and their liveliness. She loved them for their caring demeanor, but also because they were her salvation. They saved her from her father and from a lifetime of loneliness. She used to be so alone, and then she met Robin…

 _…there I go again._

Pushing her head hard into her knees, she forced control on the waver of emotions she felt at just the thought of his name. She couldn't afford to think of Robin _that_ way. He was her leader and her other best friend. _That was it._

She was torn in two. Raven was so desperate to get back to the warmth of her friends, but her lack of control and her fear kept her away from them. If only she could just go back to normal and unfeeling. Then this self-imposed exile would be over. A small part of her resented the fact Starfire had told her what she did. The dam she had so carefully constructed, guarded, and defended had cracked. And a crack was all it took for it to come tumbling down.

 _Control. Focus. Breathe. Control. Control. Focus._ Focus. _Breathe._

Leaning back against the wall of the window frame, exhaustion overcame her. Who was she kidding? She knew she had feelings for him. She had come to trust him as a friend and eventually trust him as something more. She had theorized she had fallen for him sometime before her secrets had come out (Was it when he came out from the shadows and offered her a place on his team? Or was it when the doors to her room slid open for the first time? Perhaps when he yanked her out of harm's way?), but she _knew_ she loved him when held her hand and promised to help her with her father, even if it cost him his life.

 _Oh Azar…_ how foolish could she have been? She had done the thing she fought so hard against.

She suddenly tore herself away from the window as she was overcome with joy and terror at the same time. A sickening sensation settled in the pit of her stomach. Yes, okay, she admitted it to herself, but that was it. She hadn't said it out loud. Perhaps, instead of trying to squash the denial, she could learn to work with this. She was a master of emotion. The monks of Azar taught her to master them. She would master them again, damn it.

 _This exile isn't done_ , she thought bitterly. Until she could control her reactions and her wayward feelings, she would continue her vow of silence. It was the only way. Any other option was inadmissible.

The rumbling of the T-Car alerted her to her teammates' return. Sighing, recognizing her recess was over, she grabbed her book and retreated to her room. Time to be a recluse once more. As the door to her room slid shut, she could hear Beast Boy and Starfire laughing amongst themselves. It only pained her. She should be out there with them. No. No. Control first. Fun second.

Even without tapping into her Nevermore mirror she could practically see Happy bouncing around unchecked. The potted flowers on her dresser began rattling, a telltale sign of an impending explosion and Raven immediately went into a lotus position. This needed to end. _Happy needed to stop_. As she was about to slip into her own mind, she heard a soft knock. She snapped her eyes open and glanced at the door.

 _Please don't let it be_ …

"Raven?"

 _Of course._ It was him. She grit her teeth and said nothing. Of course, he knew she was there, but she was in no position to engage in dialogue. Maybe if she was absolutely still, he would take the hint and leave. Lady Fate clearly didn't agree.

"Raven, I know you're there," he said, his tone a little exasperated.

She twitched when she heard the door _swoosh_ open. As he came into her line of sight, she noticed he was not wearing his normal costume. He was wearing a simple black shirt, jeans, and sunglasses, and _damn, if he didn't look good._ She immediately chastised herself for the thought and made a mental note to have a conversation with Lust. She swore the emotion snickered.

Knocking inward conflict to the back of her mind, she snapped, " _What_?"

 _Short and to the point. Good._

"Brought you some food," he said, holding a box of takeout. "Your favorite, of course."

Her eyes flickered over to the container, but said nothing. An awkward silence filled the room as Robin shifted his weight uneasily. Raven raised an eyebrow as he placed the food next to her. She wasn't dumb. The food was not the only reason why he was here. When another minute ticked by, she realized he was not going to initiate the conversation further. Irritation rose up as she realized he was doing this on purpose to force her to engage.

"What are you doing here?" she asked curtly.

"Well," he paused briefly, as if considering her. He glanced down at the food quickly before looking back at her. "The others, I know, are concerned for you and—"

"Robin," she interrupted. "Get to the point."

Like a switch, his mood shifted and all pretenses dropped. "Rae, why are you in here? I know it has nothing to do with your father, so what's going on?"

Raven barely suppressed her cringe. She knew it would come to this. She knew there'd come a point when even Robin would be done giving her her space. Honestly, she was surprised he waited a month. And, _of course_ , he'd pick the one moment when she was most emotionally agitated to do it. She vaguely wondered if the mental link between them signaled to him her high distress. She hoped not. Hoping to divert him she used her same line she always used with Beast Boy, "I don't _do_ fun."

"Raven, you _know_ I don't believe you."

Of all people, the link had to be with him. Why not Starfire? Or Cyborg? Even Beast Boy, the one most likely to abuse the link with silly antics, was more preferable at the moment.

" _Raven_." Robin pressed.

She got up went and wandered over to her personal bookshelf to stall for time. _Control_ , she reminded herself. But it was becoming harder to complete that task with each passing second he was around. She could feel Happy and Lust fighting for control. She took a deep breath in and slowly released it.

She felt something probe the back of her mind and knew he was trying to sense her emotions. He had become surprisingly good with using their bond as of late. Damn her for trusting him. She should have known he would pick up quicker than their teammates. At least with the others it would take them a couple of years before they caught on. He had taken mere months.

"Stop trying to read my mind, Robin," she said sharply.

Robin let out a frustrated growl. "What am I supposed to do when you're not talking to me!" He reached out and forced her to face him. She heard another aggravated hiss when she didn't meet his eyes."Raven, talk to me."

She loved irony, just not when it applied to her. "Leave it alone, Robin."

She tried yanking herself from his grip, but it was ironclad. " _Raven_."

" _Richard_."

He clenched his jaw at the mention of his real name, but knew a diversion when he saw one. "I'm not leaving until you start talking to me."

Raven glared. "Then you're going to be here for a very long time."

The two of them stared each other down, trying to break one another. Raven was honestly surprised she managed her trademark stoicism. He must have realized his approach was not going to work because he switched tactics. The hardness in his face disappeared and he softly asked, "Have I done something to anger you? You used to talk to me."

"No." She turned away from him.

"Have I hurt you in any way?"

She faltered mentally. "No."

"Did I say something to you to shut you up?"

"No."

"Did I forget something important?"

She exhaled heavily. " _No_."

"Then what did I do?"

"Nothing!" Her body shook in just the slightest as her outburst caused her to lose some of the control she maintained. Lust cackled. Happy cheered. And the whisper of another emotion she refused to name hummed.

Meanwhile, Robin's own control slipped as he exclaimed, "Then tell me why you aren't talking to me!"

"I said leave it _alone_!" she half-yelled. Something that sounded like a chord snapped inside and she had to close her eyes to rein in the chaos.

" _Why._ "

She outwardly faltered this time. "Because…"

"That's not a reason, Raven." He sounded hurt when he said, "Why aren't you talking to _me_?"

"What do you want me to say?!" she yelled, the chaos finally unleashed. "I can't talk to you because I'm _afraid_!"

It was then that everything stopped. A hand slapped to her mouth and she mentally cursed at herself. Had she said that out loud? She didn't mean to, she knew, but he wouldn't stop. She was suddenly very grateful her back was to him. Behind, Robin froze. Slowly, he asked, "Afraid…of what?"

Sensing there was no escape now, she murmured, defeated, "Afraid of being hurt."

If she was going to crash and brush, she might as well crash and burn spectacularly and truthfully. She heard him shift around and instinctively knew he was trying to figure out how to handle the situation. She knew that he knew she wasn't talking about being afraid of being hurt by an external force, an enemy. If it was that, he would have already laid out five battle plans and called in the team. This was emotional. Robin was good at many things, but overly emotional girls was not part of that list. Raven would've laughed if said overly emotional girl wasn't her.

Finally, she felt him come closer. His hand hovered over her shoulder momentarily before he turned her around. He scrutinized her while Raven looked at anywhere but him. At that moment, he realized she hadn't really looked him in the eye once. Titling his head, he asked, "Was it me? Did I hurt you in some way? Rae, if I did, you should've told me."

"No," she murmured, running hand down her face. "You didn't really do _anything_."

Which was and wasn't the problem.

He blinked slowly, catching on to her meaning. "I didn't do _anything_."

"I—" Even with the chaos of her emotions, she still felt her years of training holding her back from spewing everything. Self-preservation kicked into high gear. She couldn't do this. It would ruin her friendships. It would ruin the team. It would ruin _her._ "I just—you and—Starfire—and I—"

For the first time since he walked into the room, she locked eyes with him. The shocking blue of his eyes threw her off kilter for a moment. She could hear Lust singing his praises again and the panic she felt at having such emotions rule her rose up. He must have seen the internal conflict because something seemed to dawn. Everything was clicking into place in his head without having to tap into the link. _Run_ , Fear whispered.

She yanked away. "You know what, _no_. I'm fine. I promise."

"Raven—"

"I am going through something," she rambled, completely out of character for her, "but I will get through this, Robin."

"But Raven—"

She ignored him in favor of going into a lotus position. "I just need time." _And a good dose of a reality check_.

"Rae, _stop_."

Typically when she heard such a sentence from him he either sounded worried or irritated, laced with command. This time, however, he sounded amused with a touch of relief. It caught her off guard and when she looked at him, he saw him run a shaky hand through his hand. He looked amazed, like he had discovered something that he never thought was possible and it was something he wanted. It confused Raven. He snorted back a laugh.

She raised an eyebrow. "What's so funny?"

"Nothing," he said with another choked back laugh. "Nothing's funny."

 _He was laughing at her_. She felt the mortification set in. _This_ was why she didn't want to tell him anything. This was why she exiled herself. She had thought his rejection would be bad enough, but him laughing at her made her feel so much worse. This wasn't just a respectful rejection between two friends. This was dismissal of her emotions. Her feelings were a _joke_ to him.

"Raven, didn't I say stop? I'm not laughing at you. I'm—well, truthfully, I'm laughing out of disbelief. In a good way." When he noticed her shock at his spot-on remark about her thoughts, he tapped his head to signal he accessed their bond. He chuckled for a second and Raven was at a loss. His reaction was one of rejection, but his words were another matter completely. Usually with people, she went with their actions, but Robin was always good on his word, so she didn't know what to believe.

Sobering up, Robin made eye contact with her. The blue in his eyes were intense as he said, "I don't love Starfire, Raven."

It took her a second to process his words. "But the prom and the Blackfire mess—"

"I don't," he cut her off. He shrugged. "Yeah, I might've been attracted to her. She's a pretty girl and I'm a guy. I'm not going to erase that part of my history." He sat down across from her. "But it was infatuation. A, uh, passing fancy, you understand?"

A large part of her felt relief in his words. Yes, it still hurt to hear him say he was attracted to Starfire, but that had been in the past. However, that still didn't explain the present situation. Slowly, digesting his words, she murmured, "But if Starfire isn't—"

"It's you, Rae."

He said so nonchalantly that she almost thought she misheard him. But the serious look in his eyes and the utter conviction she found convinced her she had heard right. And it took her breath away. "But _why_?"

He silently considered her question. She thought he was going start spewing off all her qualities about why he was choosing her over her prettier best friend, but instead he said, "When Slade told me you were dead, I think I stopped functioning; my brain just shut down. Pretty impressive since my brain never stops working. But I couldn't process a world where I didn't turn around to see you watching my back. Then I couldn't accept the possibility of your death. Hell, I wasn't even one hundred percent sure you were alive. Something deep down told me you were, but even then I thought it was this desperate need to keep you alive in my mind."

He sighed heavily as if reliving the moment all over again. "Raven, there is a reason why I partner with you. There is a reason why you're really my second-in-command. Why I allowed you in my head." When she didn't say anything, he continued, "I trust you— _explicitly_ —with every part of me. You're the most loyal and honorable person I know. I trust you with my past, my mind, my life, and, well..."

He lifted her hand so it was placed over his beating heart. He didn't say the words, but she knew what else he trusted her with. He let go of her hand in favor of rubbing the back of his neck nervously. "I'm not good with expressing my emotions, Rae. Being the Dark Knight's apprentice makes for an emotionally stunted person." He locked eyes with her again. "But I do know this: when I close my eyes and think about who I want as my partner, it's you. I would be sadden if Star, Beast Boy, or Cy left, but I could get up and keep moving. But I couldn't live without you."

Surprisingly, Lust and Happy seemed to have quieted. She would've thought they would be bouncing around in joy, but there was nothing. Instead, that previous emotion—the one that hummed in appreciation earlier—was starting to surge up. No, not surge up. It wasn't surging. It was dancing, coursing through, as if it had always been there, but finally sneaked past the dam she so tightly guarded. It made her heart pound and her head feel light. It terrified her and exhilarated her all at once.

 _Tell him, Raven. It's okay,_ the emotion's gentle voice murmured.

She didn't verbally tell him what she was feeling or what she had been going through—all the turmoil, distress, and the roller coaster ride. Instead, she took his words to heart and lightly placed a kiss on his lips. It was fleeting and so fast that had he been a lesser man, he wouldn't have realized what she did. The corners of his mouth twitched when he saw the light blush bloom across her face. Cute wasn't a word that most would use to describe the dark-clad girl, but it was the _only_ word he could think of as he watched her shift, embarrassed.

Cupping the back of her neck, he directed her lips to his once more. Raven had to use all those horrible cliches romance novels used when describing a kiss between two lovers, but she found that it was true. The fireworks, the length of time disappearing, the electricity—it was _all there_. When they finally pulled apart, Robin hugged her tightly and whispered, "This isn't going to be easy."

Raven snorted. "My life never is."

He laughed. "Preaching to the choir over here." He pulled away, picked up her takeout, and turned to her. His fingers skimmed down the length of her arm until her hand was clasped in his. "C'mon. The others miss you."

As he led her out of her room, Raven knew things weren't really over. In fact, things were just getting started. Her emotions were still out of whack and there still was the issue of Starfire's inevitable hurt feelings when the situation came out, but now everything didn't seem so dire. Once more, she knew she had the boy holding her hand to thank for that. So, when he squeezed her hand in reassurance, she gave him a small, grateful smile.

And as they reached the common room, that emotion— _Love_ , she finally admitted—said to both of them, _It's all okay._

* * *

" _One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love."  
_ —Sophocles


End file.
